December 3, 2010 § 1 Comment
I don’t know if she ever loved me, if I was just substitute, a mere diversion.
She was always so distracted, lost in her thoughts, and it’s so irritating because I know who she was thinking of. But I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, she was always thinking of him. When she’d escape and be with him, it was painful to know that she loved someone else.
I loved her so much, but our relationship was like a one way phone call, I gave her all my emotions and she couldn’t return them. And I’m so scared that everything we were was just wishful thinking, an illusion.
She was crying when I met her, sitting on a park bench blubbering and whimpering. I walked past her five times before I could muster up the courage to talk to her, see what was wrong.
“Are you alright?” Good job genious, of course she’s not alright,
She just looked up at me spitefully, then grabbed her handbag and abruptly stormed off.
I stood there dumbfounded; I can only imagine the look on my face. So I did what I do best, I shook it off and continued home. It was Thursday and “The worlds greenest homes” was on at 6:30 and I didn’t want to miss it again, I was so annoyed when I missed it last week.
But I had to grab dinner; so i stopped by the shops infront of my apartment, there was a sushi bar and hungry jacks. I stood in-between the two eateries feeling a little gaucherie.
From the outside I might’ve looked like an idiot looking back and forth at the two shops, while inside my mind fought the need to buy a fatty burger. I ended up failing and buying a whopper meal.
I checked my watch and tapped my foot impatiently as I waited for the elevator doors to open. A “ding” preceded the arrival of the elevator as the doors opened to reveal the girl in the park. She looked quite decent now, as opposed to the running mascara and blood shot eyes. I stepped in the elevator and pressed the “6” button and waited for the doors to close.
The trip up to my floor was probably the most uncomfortable elevator trip in my life. I occasionally glanced at her from the corner of my eyes but otherwise we just stood in silence. I—being the genius I am—decided to break the ice.
“Feeling better?” I asked avoiding eye contact,
The “ding” of the elevator stirred my stomach as the elevator stopped on the sixth floor and the doors opened,
“Saved by the bell ey?” I laughed stepping out of the escalator,
She completly ignored me.
The second time I met her was when she threw a cup of water at me. I walked into my favourite café to get the regular hot chocolate I’d get every morning before heading off to my day job.
So I did as I do and walked to the counter and ordered “The usual” but as I grabbed my cup and walked to my regular table, it seemed someone decided they should sit there. I stood beside the table till she looked up,
“Are you like stalking me or something?” she growled slamming her cup on the table and standing up,
“Uh. . . No. . . I usually sit here” I said jokingly placing the cup on the table,
“Uh. . . No. . .” she mimicked in a low voice, “If you weren’t half blind you’d see that I’m sitting here,”
“If you weren’t so rude you’d realise that there isnt just one seat here,”
She gave me that stare she gave me when she first met me.
“don’t look at me like that,” i scoffed leaning nonchalantly against the bench,
“I’ll look at you however I want,” she murmured in a low voice jabbing my chest with her finger,
I grabbed her hand “No. . . you wont”
She threw a cup of water at me and wrenched her hand back,
I grabbed her hand back and stared into her eyes, I knew I wouldn’t be able to help myself; I pulled her lips to mine.
I’d always been confused by her emotions, like sometimes when we were together, it really seemed like she loved me.
She moved in a few months later.
I don’t know what she wanted from me, companionship? Emotional support? Intimacy? Financial insurance? A place to stay? didn’t think I’d ever know.
Our conversations could be amounted to an infrequent screaming fight, or the constant empty stares exchanged at the dining table.
We didn’t talk much; I didn’t tell her about my day, she didn’t tell me about hers. I don’t even know how we lasted as long as we did, she kept everything from me.
I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when she returned from work a few hours late.
“Where have you been?” I interrogated,
“I needed to buy a few things,” she murmured timidly gliding to the bedroom.
That night I woke up to her sobbing, I flicked back the covers and walked to the bathroom, it sounded like she was crying her guts out. I hardly ever heard her cry. I lay awake in bed for the rest of the night; I was accompanied a few hours later.
I rummaged through her belongings the next day searching for a reason for her blubbering. I walked to the bathroom unsuccessful, and looked through the cupboards. Out of the corner of my eye i saw the bin, I empted it out in the sink. That’s when I saw it, a little pink positive sign in-between the rubbish. I pulled out the pregnancy tester and sat down on the tiles for a few moments staring at the little plus.
I refilled the bin and hid the tester in my pillow case (Weird i know). It was always on the back of my mind, that little plus burned into my mind.
I found myself staring at her stomach every time she was around. Six months no change.
“Hey hon?” I murmured as we sat at the table for dinner, “How do you feel about having children?”
“Children?” she asked in her serene voice, “It’s not on the top of my list,”
That made my blood boil,
“How do you feel about abortion?” I asked irritated,
“Abortion?” she pondered before it clicked,
She looked up at me panicky,
“I feel like I’m being interrogated,” she reacted defensively
I stood up and threw my plate against the wall,
“For goodness sake,” I roared, “I know you terminated your pregnancy!”
She looked up at me mortified,
I threw the table against the wall then threw a chair across the room,
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” I clenched my fists avoiding eye contact, “THAT WAS MY CHILD!”
I punched the ball leaving a plaster job,
“YOU HAD NO RIGHT,” I breathed in a low voice,
After that our relationship was nothing more than infrequent awkward stares as our eyes occasionally met. It just wasn’t the same. I don’t know how I found the strength inside of me to love her, but I did.
I found her diary, it was in the top shelf of her cupboard.
14 October 06,
Sam’s stopped calling, I have no idea what I’m going to do, I need to get out of here, I need to be with him.
15 October 06,
I’m moving to lousiana, I don’t think I’ll ever see him again,
29 November 07,
I’m moving in with him today, I wanna try something with him,
30 November 07,
He feels like Sam, he kisses like Sam, he can make me feel like Sam did, he sounds like Sam, but he can never replace him,
12 October 08,
I swear I could feel the thing growing inside of me; I would’ve never been able to forgive myself if I gave birth to his baby.
26 April 09,
Another positive sign, I’ve arranged an appointment at the clinic next week, I need to get this thing out of me. Just the thought of it sickens me.
23 June 09,
Just came back from the clinic, they limit terminations to three; I’ve got to be careful, if I get pregnant again, I will have too keep it.
07 September 09,
I got a call from Sam, he’s moved to Massachusetts, and he wants me to live with him. Finally I can get away from here, from him.
18 September 09,
I’m out of here soon, one more night with him, and then I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m a little sickened by the thought of spending the night with him, I just want to get away from this hell,
That was the most interesting entries I could find. All the rest was pretty much,
“Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine its Sam,”
That makes me want to throw up.
I don’t know if she ever loved me, if I was just substitute, a mere diversion. She disappeared on the 19th of September 2009. I think she went to Boston.
November 29, 2010 § 1 Comment
The names Joy but most of you will know me already.
I love vintage, vintage clothes, shoes, bags, sunglasses, but mainly photographs.
Photography is my life. Just email me if you want a photoshoot and i’d be happy to oblige!
Love and Godbless xx